Star Ocean III The Aftermath
by KTAH
Summary: Where have I been? In the mountains training to be a blind parrot... wait mebbe I should just talk to TPain then... anyway, expect this to be continued mighty soon... lulz I said mighty...
1. The Crash Landing

**Star Ocean III: (Crazy) Till the End of Time**

_KTAH: Ah, I feel so hyper tonight!_

_Jack: Whoa! Where'd you come from?_

_KTAH: Oh, I actually got onto the Net tonight! WOOHOO!_

_Jack: The… Net?_

_KTAH: I'm a gonna celebrate by downloadin' music all night and making a one-shot story! Bwhahahahahaha!_

_Jack: What is wrong with you? And what is "downloadin'" and "the Net?"_

_KTAH: Not now, Jack! The disclaimer! NOW!_

_Jack: Oh, right… um… KTAH doesn't own anyone from… wait!_

_KTAH: What now?_

_Jack: This isn't a Radiata Story!_

_KTAH: No crap! Now, finish it!_

_Jack: … he doesn't own anyone from Star Ocean or Pond or something…_

_KTAH: … and?_

_Jack: … oh, I forgot, III._

_KTAH: THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER! NOW, LET US BEGIN THIS MESS!_

**NOTICE: This story contains large amounts of Sophia and Roger bashing. I don't like Peppita either, but she's a key instrument to annoy someone, so she won't get much bashing… oh and for all of Albel's fans… the major change that has occurred to him may shock you. Also, if you don't like creepy old goons, read with caution. Yes, Gossam is in this story. Why, you ask? Because I don't like Sophia either. Well, BEGIN! Begin!**

(Fayt, Maria, Cliff, Mirage, and sadly, Sophia, are traveling to Elicoor II in the Diplo.)

Fayt: I wonder how the others are doing?

Cliff: Yeah. I betcha 10,000 Fol that Albel's gonna be the same cruel bastard he always is!

Fayt: You're on!

Maria: Wow, men are so weird.

Mirage: Yes, they are.

Sophia: But I looove them!

Maria: Sh-t, when did you get here?

Mirage: She must've stowed away in the storage room.

Sophia: Oh, come on, girls! Don't be like tha—

Maria: No one invited you!

Mirage: Go back in the storage room!

Sophia: No!

(Evil glare from Maria and Mirage before beating up ensues)

Fayt: Oh, look! We're in Elicoor's orbit!

Cliff: A'right! Let's land!

(Meanwhile, on the planet itself)

Nel: Oh, no! It's one of those celestial ships again! Get the Thunder Arrow ready!

Crosell: Oh, my back! (has a Icy-Hot Pad on)

(Back on the Diplo)

Marietta: Captain! There's a large beam heading our way! What do we do?

(Maria doesn't hear because of Sophia's cries of pain)

Marietta: CAPTAIN!

(Beam hits the Diplo) BOOM!

Maria: WTF was that!

Marietta: Oh, great! We've been hit! We're goin' down!

(The Diplo crashes in Peterny's central area)

Random Civilian #1: OMFG what the hell is that!

Random Civilian #2: I dunno!

Roger: That's a thing that I call a doo-hickey!

Random Civilian #1: Watch your—

(Diplo door slams down on Roger's head, knocking the little nerd out)

Cliff: Damn it! Where the hell are we?

Fayt: We're in Peterny! I… think…

Maria: Yes, we have landed in the trading town of Peterny. And it looks like we've caused major damage…

Mirage: The whole central area is destroyed. Please leave your message after the beep.

Maria: WTF Mirage you ok?

Mirage: SYSTEMMALFUNCTIONNOWPLAYING… Get it girl!

Maria: Huh?

Mirage: Get it, get it, get it, get it girl… SYSTEMREBOOTING… W-what just happened?

Fayt: You just went all retarded on us? You ok?

Mirage: Um… I think so…

Maria: You weirdo. Well, let's head… uh… which way is Aquios again?

Fayt: I think its… West?

Cliff: Then let's get started!

(The group starts West to Aquios… which is actually the way to Sanmite Steppe…)

Sophia: H-hey guys! Where'd you go?

Roger: Ow, my hea—ooh, oh, whoa…

(Roger looks up and sees Sophia standing right above him, which then leads to…)

Sophia: Hmm?

Roger: Heh, heh, pink, eh?

Sophia: Huh? (she looks down and starts blushing before kicking him in the face, sending him sliding down the hard cement) YOU LITTLE PERV!

(She then remembers about the group)

Sophia: Oh, yeah! Wait up, guys!

(Sophia heads north to Aquios, and this time she's right. So much for catching up with the group)

(Meanwhile, in the town of Arias…)

Clair: Ah, what a wondrous day to go swimming!

(Clair goes in the nude and gets in under a waterfall, obscuring her face. Then, her father, Adray, appears and spots her, but since he has no idea that it is Clair, he starts peeping on her.)

Adray: Well, well, well, what do we have here now?

(Clair begins dancing in the waterfall, and Adray begins to sing his favorite song, which is…)

Adray: … making it hard to concentrate! Ooh, bring that back, what was that? Oh my lord, she got back! So precise, so "nuh-nuh" (he doesn't know the right word), oh my gawd, who is tha—

(Suddenly Clair comes out of the waterfall and notices Adray, who realizes who she is and then…)

Adray: OMG I KNOW WHO THAT IS! OH, NOOOOOO! BAD ADRAY, BAD, BAD!

Clair: F-FATHER! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

Adray: I-I'M SO SOWWY! GOOD BYE, CLAIR!

(Adray runs away, puking at the thought that he just peeped on his own daughter… ew)

Clair: I knew he was weird, but this takes the cake! I'm gonna kill him next time I see him!

(Clair gets dressed furiously and then disappears into the trees, chasing down her nasty father)

(Back in Peterny…)

Fayt: Well, that wasn't the right way…

Cliff: Yeah, you ass head!

Maria: Y'know what? I think the right way was north!

Mirage: You have selected north… location beyond that point: Aquios. Good job! You get to pick a Lingo ball!

Maria: Uh, oh, she's doing it again…

Mirage: SYSTEMREBOOTING… Ugh! What just happened?

Maria: You went all dumbass on us again!

Mirage: My wires must be getting rusty.

Fayt: Wait, Mirage is a robot?

Cliff: Of course! Why else would she talk like a 1960s A.D. robot?

Fayt: Oh, I see, you're right!

Maria: No time for fartin' around! It's time to split! (Maria does her best impersonation of that guy from Time Splitters)

Fayt: You're a nerd.

Maria: Shut the flip up.

(Meanwhile, way ahead in Aquios…)

Sophia: Hey, I remember this place! Now, if only I could find Fayt and the rest of the group…

Gossam: Now that's what I'm talkin' about! Eheheheheh!

(the old man appears out of nowhere and observes Sophia)

Sophia: What the hell are you doing? Get away from me, you creepy old man!

Gossam: Now, now, cutie, don't play hard to get! Want a drink? (Gossam takes out his famous "love potion.")

Sophia: No! I'm not thirsty! Now leave me alone, I've got to find my—

Gossam: Down the hatch! (Gossam forces the potion down Sophia's throat.)

Sophia: Ew, what is this—this… this feeling I'm getting?

Gossam: Yes… YES!

Sophia: W-what did… you do… to me… you old… senile… piece of hot man?

Gossam: It worked! I AM A GENIUS!

Sophia: Oh, right you are, master Gossam!

Gossam: Now, if I sell these to the other young and beautiful women, my grand master plan will be complete!

(Wow, what a weird, creepy old goon… well, back with Fayt and the others…)

Fayt: Are we there yet?

Cliff: Oh, shut up and keep on walking!

Maria: Yeah, stop being a little bitch and let's go.

Mirage: SAVINGPROGRESSDONOTTOUCHMEMORYCARDINSLOTAORTURNTHEGAMESYSTEMOFF!

Maria: Oh, WTF!

Mirage: SYSTEMREBOOTING… We're almost to Aquios…

Cliff: What, is she broken?

Maria: Probably…

Fayt: Are we there yet?

Maria & Cliff: Oh, shut the funk up!

(Well, they were going the right way… until they made a left and began heading towards The Aquatic Garden of Surferio. Anyway, back with Nel and Crosell…)

Crosell: This thing is… so… HEAVY!

Nel: Oh, shut up, ya big baby, it's not that bad…

Crosell: Oh, yeah? You try carrying it then!

Nel: Fine!

(Nel walks to the gigantic hunk of metal and copper and she lifts it up with no problem.)

Crosell: …!

Nel: … so?

Crosell: … you can't be real…

Nel: I'm as real as they come.

Crosell: Whatever. I'm gonna go take a nap.

Nel: Goodnight, lil' baby! Sleep tight! Don't let the dragons bite!

Crosell: You're so corny… YAWN!

Nel: Oh shut up.

(Meanwhile with Roger in Peterny…)

Roger: Ow… my face…

Peppita: HI ROGER!

Roger: WHOA! (Roger jumps up in fear, then looks up and sees the lil' girl staring at him)

Peppita: HOW ARE YA DOIN'!

Roger: Geez, do you ever shut up? Even a little bit?

Peppita: WHERE'S FAYT AND SOPHIA!

Roger: I don't really care where either of them are! Fayt slammed a door on me and Sophia kicked me in the face and gave me major road rash on my—

Peppita: WAAAAAHHHHHH! (starts crying)

Roger: OW, MY FRIGGIN' EARS! (The loud screeches are extremely loud to Roger because of his Menodix ears… haha…)

Peppita: I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM!

Roger: Fine, fine! I'll help you find those idiots!

Peppita: YAY I LOVE YOU! (she hugs him with a deathgrip)

Roger: Y-you… chokin'… m-me!

(Back with Adray… and mebbe even Clair if she caught up…)

Adray: My soul has been tainted, O great Apris! Please help me cleanse myself!

(Adray is in the chapel of Aquios castle, praying to the Sun God. Then, he has a vision…)

Adray: W-what is this?

Apris: My child…

Adray: A-apris?

Apris: Yes, my son…

Adray: Wait, you're… a flying squirrel?

Apris: Yes… and you can go cleanse yo self, bitch! Take a bath if ya wanna be clean, playa!

Adray: What is going on here!

Runologist #1: Sir Adray! Wake up!

Adray: W-what!

Runologist #1: You were mumbling in your sleep! Are you ok?

Adray: W-where am I?

Runologist #1: You're in Aquios Castle! You're in your room.

Adray: So… it was all just a dream?

Runologist #1: E-excuse me, sir?

Adray's Mind: So… I didn't peep on my own daughter…?

Runologist #1: Sir, are you sure your ok?

Adray's Mind: Yeah, thanks anyway.

Runologist #1: Will you answer me!

Adray's Mind: Oh, right…

Adray: Yeah, I'm fine, thanks anyway. Well, I'm off to see my daughter now…

Runologist #1: Oh, yeah! Sir, by the way, have you seen Lady Clair? She disappeared a couple of hours ago…

Adray: W-where would she be?

Runologist #1: That's just what I asked you!

Adray: Well, then! Gather the troops and search everywhere for her!

(Meanwhile, in Peterny…)

Clair: Damn it… where are you, Father? I want to "talk" to you… eheheheheh… he'll pay for this!

Random Civilian #2: Hey, where did that little midget go?

Random Civilian #1: I dunno… mebbe he got shoved into the ground by the door?

Random Civilian #2: Hey, who's the perty lady up in that tree?

Clair: Damn, someone saw me! Gotta act quickly… (Clair quickly draws a throwing knife and chucks it into Random Civilian #2's forehead, which turns him into a piece of bacon.)

Random Civilian #1: What? Where'd you go, #2? Wait… ooh, bacon!

Random Civilian #2's Mind: No… NOOOOOO!

(Random Civilian #1 eats #2.)

Clair: Whew, that was close… now, back to my Father… where could he be hiding?

(Back with Fayt, Maria, Cliff, and Mirage…)

Fayt: Uh… is this Aquios?

(In reality they are lost in the Aquatic Garden… dumbasses…)

Maria: I'm… not sure…

Cliff: Well… I have a hunch that if we continue through this place, we'll find where we wanna be…

Fayt: Another hunch? This is like the 96th hunch you've had.

Mirage: …

Maria: Actually, it's the 97th.

Mirage: …

Cliff: No it's not! This is my 80th! I dunno where you got those numbers from!

Mirage: …

Maria: I swear it's the 97th! Remember there's that one when we were on the Diplo and you said you had a hunch about going to that Underdeveloped Planet Konohagakure or something…

_KTAH: Sorry to interrupt, but yes, that is a reference to Naruto. I watch it too much --… continue!_

Fayt: And then there's that one when we first met!

Mirage: …

Maria: Wait, there's another? That makes it the 98th then!

Mirage: … THEFORECASTTODAYIS:PARTLYCLOUDYWITHASLIGHTCHANCEOFTHUNDERSTORMS…

Cliff: Nah, I didn't have that many hunches!

Maria: Yes you have!

Fayt: It was a little less than—

Mirage: Cliff Fittir has had a total of 103.7 hunches throughout his life.

Maria, Fayt, and Cliff: WOW!

Cliff: That is a lot…

Maria: Ok, enough of this! Come on, guys, we gotta hurry to Aquios!

Fayt: Right!

(The group starts to walk down the path…)

(20 minutes later… now 21 minutes later…)

Fayt: All right, this place sucks!

Maria: How many of those damn box puzzles were there!

Cliff: And those wall-things! They didn't put up much of a fight, but there sure were a helluva lot of them!

Mirage: CALCULATING DISTANCEFROMAQUIOS… … … WEARE45MILESAWAYFROMAQUIOS… … … DIRECTIONTOAQUIOS… … … NORTHWEST…

Fayt: …

Maria: …

Cliff: …

Maria: Did you just say… the direction… to Aquios?

Cliff: And you said… Northwest…?

Fayt: And… 45 miles away?

Mirage: AFFIRMATIVE.

Fayt: WE HAVE TO WALK EVEN LONGER NOW!

Maria: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US THE DIRECTION SOONER!

Cliff: AND WE JUST CAME FROM THAT DIRECTION!

Mirage: ITISNOTMYFAULTTHATHUMANSAREINFERIOR…

Cliff: What was that?

Mirage: SYSTEMREBOOTING… W-where are we now?

Maria: OMFG this is hopeless!

Fayt: Well, now we have to walk **all the way back**…

Cliff: It's all your fault, Mirage!

Mirage: Actually, Cliff, you were the one that had a "hunch."

Fayt: Oh, yeah, you're right, Mirage…

Maria: You and your stupid hunches…

Fayt and Maria: CLIFFFFFFFFFFFFF!

Cliff: … oh crap.

(Beating up ensues again.)

(Back with "Hypnotized" Sophia and Gossam…)

Gossam: LADIES, EVERYWHERE! Come, gather round!

Sophia: That's right girlfriends!

Gossam: I, Gossam the Great, have created a special remedy for all of your love problems! (Holds up his "love" potion.)

Sophia: It helped me forget about my last boyfriend who broke up with me because I wasn't a good cook! I was so sad, but now, look at MEEEEEEEEE! (dances around the stage)

Random Lady #1: What is this?

Gossam: It's a medicine that—

Random Lady #2: Oh, great! It's that pervy old guy. Come on, ladies. Let's get outta here.

Gossam: Wait! No! NO!

(All of the women walk away.)

Sophia: I'm sorry, master… I didn't do a good job…

Gossam: … oh, well… At least I have one lady who'll pamper me!

Sophia: Coming right up, Master!

Gossam: Let's go to the inn first…

Sophia: Yes, sir!

(They walk to the inn…)

KTAH: … and if you think they gonna do "that," then you are a sicko and are entirely wrong… 

(… and get a room and then Gossam sits on the bed.)

Sophia: So, master, what should I do for you?

Gossam: Hmm… so many choices… let's see…

(A message box appears)

Choice A – Make some toast.

Choice B – Order some pizza.

Choice C – Sing some Ciara.

Choice D – Miscellaneous

Gossam: I want you to… do something miscellaneous!

Sophia: What is miscellaneous?

Gossam: Um…

(Message box appears again.)

Choice A – Strip

Gossam: OOH! THAT'S IT!

Sophia: As you wish, Master Gossam!

(Sophia begins taking her clothes off, and Gossam begins drooling… ew… 5 minutes later and 10 layers of clothing after she's in her underoos.)

Gossam: A-a-a-a-a-a-ah…

Sophia: So, how do you like it?

Gossam: Oh, I loooove it!

Sophia: Ready for the fina—oh! Let's see… final—oof!

Gossam: …?

Sophia: Ready for the—the… the… where the flab am I?

Gossam: It… can't be…

Sophia: Hmm? What the? Why are you still around me?

Gossam: The potion wore off!

Sophia: What are you talking about? And why is it so cold in… (Sophia closes her arms to keep warm, and then she realizes…) OMG WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES!

Gossam: No! It's fine! I'll turn the heat up!

Sophia: T-THAT'S NOT THE POINT! STOP LOOKING AT ME! (Sophia kicks Gossam in the nose, sending him flying out of the window and down onto the sidewalk.)

Gossam: O-oh… well… a-at least… I got to… see… a young… ugh… (Gossam passes out, but with a grin… and a broken back)

Sophia: Geez! Now, where are my clothes? (Sophia looks around the room, but just finds her wand) This isn't good! What will I do now?

(5 minutes later…)

Sophia: That's better!

(Sophia beat up the innkeeper and stole her clothes, which was a maid's uniform. Oh, boy.)

Sophia: Now, back to finding Fayt!

(Sophia walks out and heads for the castle, being stared at by almost every guy in the city. She arrives at the entrance, and the guards stop her.)

Guard #1: Hey, you!

Sophia: Oh, hi, Mr. Guard man! I'm looking for—

Guard #2: What are you doing outside of the castle! We need cleanup in Hallway D! (Guard #2 grabs her like abracadabrer (hehe listening to Chamillionaire too much…) and drags her into the castle.)

Sophia: What are you—

Guard #2: Get back to work, missy! (Guard #2 hands her a bucket full of soapy water and a mop.)

Sophia: …

Guard #2: NOW!

Sophia: Y-yes sir!

(Sophia begins cleaning, cursing the maid uniform and that guard under her breath.)

Sophia's Mind: Geez, this day sucks!

(Roger and Peppita in Irisa Fields…)

Peppita: LOOK OUT ROGER A MONSTER!

Roger: Shut up! It's just a log!

Peppita: WHAT THAT THING ON YOUR BACK IS A LOG?

Roger: What thi—AGH! (Roger looks behind him and spots a gigantic leech-like monster sucking on him.) GET IT OFFA ME! GET IT OFF! GETITOFF!

Peppita: STAND STILL! (Peppita attempts to hit it with her ribbon, but just hits Roger in the face. This repeats for about 4 minutes until she finally gets it off and she stomps on it.)

Roger: Geez, first my head, then my face, then my butt, and now my face again!

Peppita: I GOT IT ROGER!

Roger: And now my friggin' ears!

Peppita: WAIT IS THAT…? (Peppita spots Fayt and the rest of the group heading for Aquios.) AHHHHH!

Fayt: What the hell was that?

Peppita: OMG IT'S THEM! FAYYYYYYTTTTT!

Roger: Wha—(Peppita steps on Roger's… ya know… ow…) OMFG MY—(… then a comet flies at his face.) OW MY FACE AGAIN!

Fayt: Oh, great.

Peppita: FAYYYYYYTTTTT I MISSED YOUUUUUUU! (Peppita tackles Fayt and gives him a deathgrip.)

Fayt: I'm losing… feeling… in… my… arms…!

Maria: Where the hell did she come from?

Cliff: Great! More midgets?

Roger: I'm not a midget you stupid sonuva—OW MY FACE!

Maria: So, Peppy, do you know which way Aquios is?

Peppita: OF COURSE YOU'RE RIGHT IN FRONT OF IT!

(The group looks at the gate and spots the castle.)

Fayt: … damn are we that stupid?

Maria: Either that, or we're totally blind.

Cliff: I knew that it was there all along!

Maria: Shut up, you artard.

Cliff: … I'm not an artard…

Fayt: Well, since it's right there, we might as well continue along…

(The group, including Peppita and Roger sadly, continues on into their destination… finally.)

Mirage: She got me hypah wanna bite hah right nayayah! Say ay ay ay ay ay!

Cliff: Ugh, shuttup I hate that song!

(Hmm, wonder why Mirage keeps on singing Ying Yang Twins… anyway, back with Crosell and Nel…)

Crosell: SNORE!

Nel: Yo wake up ya big nerd.

Crosell: What now? I was having a good dream!

Nel: I dunno, I'm bored and there's no one to talk to.

Crosell: So you have to wake me up?

Nel: A-yup.

Crosell: I hate you so much.

Nel: Yeah, yeah. So, what should we talk about.

Crosell: You can talk to a tree or something I need my beauty sleep! Good night! (Crosell tries to sleep again.)

Nel: All right, that's it! (Nel jumps on his head and begins giving him a noogie.)

Crosell: NOOOO! STOP THAT! IT HURTS!

Nel: TALK!

Crosell: Ok! Ok, just stop with the noogies!

Nel: That's better!

Crosell: So… uh… what's up?

Nel: Oh, guess who I saw in Dima's Breath the other day?

Crosell: … who?

Nel: Danny Glover XXXVIII! Oh, he's sooooooo hot!

Crosell (sarcastically): Oh, totally!

Nel: Do you want another noogie, bitch?

Crosell: NO, no!

Nel: Then shut the film up!

(What a waste of time… well, back with Adray and Clair's whole problem…)

Adray: Clair! Where are you!

Runologist #2: She's not anywhere around the castle!

Adray: Where the hell could she be?

(In a tree outside of the castle…)

Clair: Heheheheheh… I'm coming Father!

(Clair crashes through the window in classic actiony style and shoots someone with a pulse gun for some reason, I guess just to add style or something…)

Adray: Oh, there you are Clair!

Clair: Father! You're time has come!

Adray: W-what do you mean?

Clair: Time for you to pay back for what you did!

Adray: B-but wait! That was a dream!

Clair: Oh, this ain't no dream, Dad! It's more like a realistic nightmare for you!

Adray: No! I didn't mean it! I didn't mean to peep on you in the lake!

Clair: W-what are you talking about?

Adray: T-that is why you're angry at me, right?

Clair: What are you talking about? I'm angry because you ate my Pop Tart this morning!

Adray: S-so… it was all a dream?

Clair: You still have to pay, you know!

Adray: Oh, I feel so clean! I'm so happy! (Adray begins spinning and dancing around…) I'm so happy that I don't mind paying back for tha—(… and then the incredible happens; he grabs Clair's breast on accident.)

Clair!

Adray: …!

Clair: F-father!

Adray: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(And that's the end of that arc, which leads to Clair beating the crap out of Adray and he is left all bruised and beat up physically and mentally.)

(Now, back with Sophia…)

Sophia: Huh… huh… I'm… finally… done…

Guard #3: Oh, here's a maid! You there!

Sophia: You gotta be kidding me!

Guard #3: We need you to clean up the Runology Library pronto!

Sophia: No!

Guard #3: Do you wanna go to the dungeon?

Sophia: Ugh, fine!

Guard #3: It's to your right! Ta-tah!

(Guard #3 walks away, and Sophia sticks her tongue out at him.)

(Meanwhile, at the entrance to the castle…)

Fayt: Now I remember this place!

Maria: Yes! It's all coming back to me now!

Cliff: Yessir!

Roger: Did they suffer amnesia or something?

Peppita: SEEMS THAT WAY! (Peppita's voice echoes in the halls.)

Fayt: Now, where would Nel be?

Maria: She's probably in the Runology Library!

Cliff: Let's go!

(Those three go towards the Library while Roger, Peppita, and Mirage walk towards the throne room.)

(Back with Sophia…)

Sophia: This is the worst day of my life!

Fayt: Heheheh… this is rich!

Sophia: Oh, Fayt! There you are!

Fayt, Maria, and Cliff: HAHAHAHAHA!

Sophia: W-what?

Cliff: What's with the getup?

Sophia: O-oh! Well, it's a long story…

Maria: Why are you dressed up as a slutty maid?

Sophia: S-shut up! Well, I'll explain…

(6 minutes later…)

Fayt, Maria, and Cliff: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sophia: What's so funny! I've been harassed by some pervy old man, gawked at by nerds, and dragged and shoved around by guards all day!

Fayt: That is some funny sh-t!

Maria: True dat boo!

Cliff: Word.

Sophia: What is up with you guys!

Fayt: Hey, Sophia! Get back to work, NOW!

Sophia: F-fayt! That's not nice!

Maria: Shut up before we call the guards!

Sophia: Dammit I hate you guys so much!

Fayt: Come on guys, let's go find Nel and Albel!

Sophia: W-wait up!

Maria: See ya later ya slut!

Sophia: Grr! I hate them so much!

Guard #4: You! Get back to work!

Sophia: Y-yes sir…

(Nel and Crosell…)

Crosell: How long do I have to talk to you?

Nel: Not much longer.

Crosell: Thank god.

Runologist #2: Lady Nel! Someone is here to see you!

Nel: Hm?

Fayt: Nel!

Nel: What the? When did you guys get here? (Runs up to the group.)

Fayt: Just a couple of hours ago…

Cliff: About 12 hours to be exact…

Fayt: And whose fault is that!

Cliff: … mine…

Maria: So, how are you doing, Nel?

Nel: Ah, ya know, same old stuff, spying on people, all that other crap.

Fayt: And Crosell! How are ya, old buddy!

Crosell: Leave me alone…

Fayt: But Croselllllll! We just got here!

Crosell: Ugh, I still wonder how I could lose to you pansies!

Nel: What was that?

Crosell: … nothing.

Nel: That's what I thought.

Cliff: Well, Mirage, say something! (Cliff turns around, and whaddya know, Mirage, Roger, and Peppita are replaced by cardboard drawings!) W-where did they go!

(Meanwhile, with the others in the chapel…)

**DJ** Mirage (Now equipped with a karaoke microphone!): Boom-ba-boom boom-ba! (this repeats throughout this whole event!)

Roger: Mu-sic makes the world go 'round, so here we go!

Peppita: HERE WE GO!

Roger: Ya just don't know!

Both: OH!

Roger: Jus' like a marchin' band!

Queen Aquaria (AKA Dancing Queen): WOOHOO! I HAVEN'T FELT THIS ALIVE IN AGES!

King Arzy: Yo what's wit' 'dem red eyes?

D. Queen: I DON'T KNOW, AND I DON'T CARE!

King Arzy: You're a weirdo… I wonder where Albel is…

(Uh-oh, Albel fans! Here comes his part in the story!)

(Albel walks up the road in Irisa Field…)

Albel: …

(… silently, all badass and what not…)

Albel: …

(… on his way to Castle Aquaria. Well, while we're waiting for him to arrive, let's see what the maid sl—I mean, Sophia, is doing…)

Sophia: Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling! (Sophia is singing that… uh… hold on…)

KTAH: Let's see… who sings that again? 

_Jack: Why don't you go through the book?_

_KTAH: Right! (flips through the book of song titles and artists, and eventually finds the name.)_

_KTAH: All right!_

(Sophia is singing that Cascada song.)

Librarian: Hey, keep it down! This is a library, and that means BE QUIET!

Sophia: Whoa, hold up! You said **I'm **loud, but then **you** yell at the top of your lungs!

Librarian: That's because I am the librarian.

Sophia: This is the gayest thing that could ever happen to a girl…

Librarian: This whole event is gay?

Sophia: Oh, shut up, it's not literal.

Guard #5: Hey, maid! Keep it down, it's a library for Apris' sake!

Sophia: I… hate…

Guard #5: Huh?

Sophia: (Oh, sh-t…)… ALL OF YOU!

(Sophia casts a new spell she created herself, Meteor Strike, onto the guard, which obliterates him.)

Librarian: WTF!

Sophia: RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRR! (Casts Lightning Blast on her.)

Librarian: NOOOOOOO! (Blows up.)

Sophia: FEEL MY WRATH! (Stumbles out of the library insanely.)

(Back with Fayt and the rest of the group, except for Mirage, Roger, Peppita, Sophia, and Adray. Wait, that means…)

Nel: Oh, there's Albel! How are ya doing, honey poo!

Fayt: … "Honey…"

Cliff: … "Poo?"

Albel: Oh, I'm just fine, my dear Sweetcake!

Fayt and Cliff: WTF!

Albel: Oh, hello, fellas!

Fayt and Cliff: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Albel: … what's so funny, guys?

Fayt: YOU ARE SO GAY!

Cliff: OMFG THIS IS HILARIOUS!

Fayt: Hey, what are you cheering for, you owe me 10,000 Fol, bitch!

Cliff: W-wha? Damn, that's no fair!

Fayt: Pay up!

Cliff: Grr…

Fayt: Oh, man! (Cliff hands Fayt the cash ma-ney.)

Albel: Hmph, fools. Did you really think that I would be so polite to you worms?

Fayt (jaw drops): What the—

Cliff (big grin): Heheheh, somebody owes me some big bucks.

Fayt: Albel, you suck!

Albel: Hmph, worm.

Cliff: Oh, man! I'm gonna buy myself somethin' nice when we get back to Klausia!

Maria: Wow I have not talked in a long time—

Crosell: Can I please sleep now?

Sophia: RRRRRRRAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRR!

Fayt: What the hell was that?

Albel: It's your girlfriend, worm.

Fayt: What?

(Fayt spots Sophia rushing for them with angry in her eyes.)

Albel: … and what is she wearing?

Maria: Some slutty maid costume.

Albel: Oh. Why's she so angry.

Fayt: Not sure, lemme ask her. (Walks towards Sophia.) Hey, Sophie, why you so—AHHHHHH!

(Sophia casts Lightning Blast.)

Maria: Hey! How dare you do that to my man?

Sophia: Y-y-your man? H-he's… MY MAN!

(Sophia and Maria get thrown into a duel.)

Cliff: Catfight?

Albel: No, Sophia's not even using physical strength.

Cliff: … oh.

Maria: Triple Kick!

(Maria kicks Sophia three times horizontally, ending the fight quickly.)

Sophia: I… can't… LOSE! AHHHHH! (Sophia faints like the boss battles in the game.)

Fayt: Wow, you're good. But… why did she get so angry.

Maria: Cuz she's a slut… bong. (Heheh, Dogma reference.)

Crosell: SNORE!

Nel: Um… you guys must be retarded or something.

Cliff: Where the hell did that come from?

Nel: Weren't we just about to search for Mirage and those kids?

Cliff: Oh, yeah! I totally forgot!

Nel: It was only about two events ago.

Cliff: Hey, Fayt, Maria! Get yer asses over here! We gotta find Mirage!

Fayt: Oh, yeah!

(Cliff grabs Sophia and he, Fayt, Maria, Nel, and Albel enter into the castle. A couple of minutes later, they find Mirage and the others in the library, joined by Adray, Clair, Tynave, Farleen, Marietta, the Diplo crew, Ameena, Dion, Elena, Queen Aquaria, King Arzy, Niklas, Meena, Norton, the Norton gang, Biwig, Biwig's posse, Blair, Luther, Welch, the old inventor guild guy, Gossam, Meryl, Lenneth, Freya, Gabriel Celesta, some guy named Bob, and a turtle. Oh, and Crosell soon joins the fray.)

Fayt: Wow, how do we all fit in this tiny lil' room?

Blair: Luther extended the room!

Luther: I am a genius, after all.

Fayt: Oh, yeah, I forgot this is a game… wow that is so totally gay.

Maria: True.

Cliff: Well, technically it's a game within a game… for PS2.

Fayt: Wow, that system is sooooo primitive.

Maria: Yeah.

Cliff: You guys and that stupid UP3.

Biwig: I've come for… the drinks!

Ameena: I love you, Dion!

Dion: Um… how in the hell are we alive?

Ameena: Who cares?

Dion: … true.

Gossam: Look at all of these young ladies! (Looks at Meryl.)

Meryl: Yo, I'm like 12, you old pervy fart!

Niklas: Meena, how did we arrive here?

Meena: I don't know, Niklas!

Niklas: Well, no matter what the circumstances, let us eat.

Meena: Why you always talkin' like dat, foo'?

Gabriel Celesta: Um… where are my pants?

Jack: NOOOOOOO! 

_KTAH: Jack, calm down!_

_Jack: But that was sooooooo gross!_

_KTAH: Not now, in the middle of the story!_

Adray: Clair, you forgive me, right?

Clair: No.

Adray: W-what?

Clair: Die, Father!

Adray: NO!

Clair: I'm just jokin'!

Adray: Oh. Haha!

Bob: Ummmm…

The Turtle: Quack!

Marietta: Captain! We can't fix the ship! We're stuck here!

Crew: YUP!

Maria: Oh, sh-t.

Cliff: B-but what will I spend my money on?

Norton Goon #1: This is lord Norton's turf now!

Norton: Shuttup, you dumbass! They'll find out my plan!

Maria: BOOM!

(Shoots Norton.)

Norton: NOOOOOOOO!

(Norton disintegrates.)

Lenneth: No comment.

Freya:

Elena: What is going on in here?

Roger: We're havin' a party!

Peppita: YEASH!

Tynave: Nel!

Nel: Oh, great, it's the lesbian…

Tynave: We have nothing to report!

Farleen: YEAH!

Nel: Ugh, shut up Farleen! Your voice is so friggin' ear piercing!

Farleen: WAAAAAHHHHH!

Everyone: SHUTTUP!

Cliff: Word!

Fayt: Don't say that, artard.

Cliff: … I'm not an artard.

Crosell: Roar.

Albel: This is so boring. I don't have time for these maggots.

Nel: Even for me?

Albel: I always have time for a maggot like you.

Nel: Is that supposed to be a compliment?

Albel: What can I say? I suck at compliments.

Nel: Oh, right, well, maggot's a fine name for me.

Albel: That's gross.

Nel: True.

Mirage: NOWPLAYING50CENT: Go, go, go, go, go shawdy! It's ya birfday! We gonna party like it's ya birfday!

(And everyone and their moms danced until the night ended.)

Fayt: Hello, everyone. As you all probably know by now, this story may be offensive.

Cliff: Yep.

Maria: But remember; it's all just a bunch of crappy jokes!

Cliff: Yeah. Well, except for Mirage, she really talks like a robot.

Mirage: NOWLOADING…

Maria: So, try not to be offended.

KTAH: Yeah, in no way whatsoever did I intend to offend anybody. Still that Xzhibit song Concentrate did inspire me… wow, that song's lyrics suck.

Cliff: Yep.

Jack: W-who are all of you people?

KTAH: Yep. Well, that's the end… so…

_KTAH: That's better._

_Jack: Whoa! Where did those other people go?_

_KTAH: Oh, they disappeared. Like magic._

_Jack: Wow, how'd you do it?_

_KTAH: Thanks to Pirate Etiquette wiff Cap'n Johnny Depp!_

_Capn' Johnny Depp: When you're a pirate, you gotta listen to ol' Johnny Depp… ya gotta wear pants! Saavy?_

_KTAH: Yes, I got that from an XPlay review._

_Jack: A what?_

_KTAH: You need to get with the times, man. Well, see you all later. Read and review, if you have gotten this far… and please, no flames. They burn my brain. Ooh, XPlay's on._


	2. How Do We Fix the Ship?

**Star Ocean III: Aftermath**

_KTAH: Oops… did that last chapter really offend some people?_

_Jack: Maybe because you listen to too much of that Ying Yang Bros. or something…_

_KTAH: TWINS! … oh my…_

_Jack: What?_

_KTAH: I made Mirage sing Ying Yang songs! Mebbe that's why?_

_Jack: I dunno… so have you decided on another disclaimer yet?_

_KTAH: Hm… uh… nope._

_Jack: Figures… well, are you writing another Radiata story?_

_KTAH: Nope. Its another chapter of SO3 Aftermath!_

_Jack: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

_KTAH: Ah, shaddup! Disclaimer!_

_Jack: … KTAH doesn't own anyone from Star Ocean…_

_KTAH: Cool! Well, then! Let's get started!_

**NOTE: If the story offends you, I deeply apologize. Everytime someone is offended, I lose a brain cell. But as I always say, they are just jokes. Most of the jokes are not by my opinion (I will point out when my opinion applies; for example, I think I can't write a serious story, and I know it!). Ok, well, enough jibba-jabba! BEGIN!**

LAST TIME ON SO3 AFTERMATH… 

_Fayt: You got your tomato in my carrot!_

_Maria: You got your carrot in my tomato!_

_Fayt & Maria: It's a Carmatot!_

_Cliff: WTF?_

THAT ACTUALLY DIDN'T HAPPEN! NOW, THE STORY CONTINUES! Well, let's check in with Fayt, shall we? 

Fayt: GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE—AGH!

(Fayt is smashed in the face with a watermelon)

Maria: SHUT UP!

Fayt: Ow, what was that for!

Maria: My… head… is… friggin'… killin'… me…

Fayt: Oh… a hangover…

Maria: Yeah…

Fayt: Yeah…

Maria: Yeah…

(Suddenly Cliff busts down the door with Mirage's head)

Cliff: HEY GUYS!

Maria: OWWWWW SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!

Fayt: YEAH DON'T YOU SEE THAT HER HEAD HURTS!

Maria: OWWWW YOU SHUT UP TOO!

Fayt: Oh, sorry…

Cliff: What's wrong with you?

Maria: I… have… a… hangover…

Cliff: Oh… from that party…

Fayt: Wait… who set that up anyway?

Cliff: Looks like we gots a mystery on our hands…

Maria: Let's solve it… tomorrow…

Fayt & Cliff: Yep…

MEANWHILE, WITH NEL AND CROSELL…

Crosell: Geez, do you ever go away?

Nel: Nope.

Crosell: Why me?

Nel: Cuz' you the biggest dragon.

Crosell: Oh, stop that, you're gonna make me blush…

Nel: Then shut up, ya idiot!

Crosell: I hate you…

Nel: Hmm?

Crosell: Nuttin'…

AND HOW ABOUT ROGER AND PEPPITA?

Roger: Mmm! This lemonade is sure delicious!

Peppita: … that's not lemonade…

EWW… WELL, HOW ABOUT SOPHIA?

Sophia: Grr! Why am I still acting like a maid!

Albel: Cuz' you tried to kill us…

Sophia: Well I need anger management!

Albel: Get back to work, worm…

Sophia: I am not a worm!

Albel: I said GET BACK TO WORK WORM!

(Flames appear before Albel)

Sophia: Y-yes Master!

Albel: Good girl… worm.

AND WE CAN'T FORGET ADRAY AND CLAIR.

Adray: Hmm? What?

Clair: Whaddya want?

Adray: Hey, we didn't get a script for this chapter, so go away.

Clair: Yeah!

WELL THAT WAS A WASTE OF TIME… OH, WELL… NIGHTY NIGHT…

………………………………………………………………

THE NEXT DAY…

Maria: ALRIGHT! Today we'll solve the mystery of the party creator!

Fayt: We already found out.

Cliff: Yeah, it was those red and yellow M&M's…

Maria: H-hey! I said that we would solve it today!

Fayt: … seriously?

Cliff: Wow, we musta blanked out or something…

Mirage: …

Maria: Yo, has Mirage said anything since last chapter?

Cliff: Nah, she's probably got a loose bolt or something…

Fayt: It don't matter, she usually just sings Ying Yang songs…

Maria: Well, what should we do now?

Fayt: Dunno…

Cliff: Hm…

Maria: I got it! Let's see how the others are doing back at the ship!

Fayt: Oh, right, in Peterny!

Cliff: Let's go in the rocket!

Maria: Yeah!

(The three jump into a rocket, but sadly, the rocket has no fuel…)

Cliff: Damn rocket…

Fayt: Looks like we're hoofin' it…

Maria: Not so fast! We got segways!

Fayt: Those primitive things?

Cliff: Uh-oh… you shouldn't have said that…

Maria: …

Fayt: Y-you ok?

Maria: How… dare you SAY THAT ABOUT MY DEAR SEGWAY!

(Maria chases Fayt out of the castle on her segway)

Cliff: Wait up guys!

(Cliff's pantlegs become hover pants and he hovers after them)

MEANWHILE, BACK WITH NEL AND CROSELL…

Nel: Whoa, did you just see that?

Crosell: What?

Nel: Some guy just flew in the sky with his pants!

Crosell: W-wow… that's strange…

Nel: True dat.

Crosell: Why do you hang around here, anyway? I'm just a dragon…

Nel: I dunno, there's no one to talk to.

Crosell: There's Albel!

Nel: No way, all he talks about is eating worms or something…

Crosell: W-well, what about… uh…

Nel: Listen, I ain't goin' anywhere, so get used to it.

Crosell: I hate my life…

UH OH, LOOKS LIKE MARIA CAUGHT UP TO FAYT…

Maria: PRIMARY LOTUS!

Fayt: AHuhAHuhAHuhAHuh!

Cliff: Wait, when did she learn that?

(Fayt crashes into the ground headfirst and Maria flips out of the smoke and lands perfectly on her segway)

Maria: That's what you get, foo'!

Fayt: OMG what was that!

Mirage: That was the—

Cliff: Whoa! When the fig did you get here?

Mirage: Approximately 20 minutes ago.

Cliff: But we just got here about a minute ago!

Mirage: IKNOWEVERYTHING…

Cliff: Awkward… (slides away from Mirage)

Fayt: Ugh… my head hurts…

Maria: Shut up! So, what were we supposed to do?

Fayt: Oh, we were going to the Diplo!

Cliff: Well, let's go!

(The three ride their segways to Peterny, while Mirage heads for space for some reason)

YES THAT WAS YET ANOTHER NARUTO REFERENCE… WELL, LET'S SEE WHAT SOPHIA'S UP TO…

Sophia: Hey… he's gone…

(Sophia creeps around the library in an attempt to escape her prison of endless maid work)

Sophia: Heheh, this is too easy…

Albel: You can say that again…

Sophia: Totally, that douchebag won't know that I'm even go—oh, WTF!

Albel: GET BACK TO WORK, MAGGOT!

Sophia: GRR I HATE YOU!

ALBEL: SAME HERE! NOW GO!

Sophia: Ugh… I was sooooo close!

(Sophia goes back to mopping the floor)

NOW BACK TO FAYT, MARIA, AND CLIFF…

Cliff: Did we make it to Peterny yet?

Maria: Hm… nope!

Fayt: Um… where are we, anyway?

(Actually, they **were** in Peterny a few minutes ago… and they passed it and were now in Airyglyph…)

Fayt: … did it always snow in Peterny?

Cliff: Oh, crap! We're in Airyglyph!

Maria: That means we're almost there!

Fayt: Let's go!

All Three: WHEEEEEEEE!

Random Civilian #3: Flippin' retards!

(Random Civilian #3 is shot by Maria)

Random Civilian #4: Oh, SNAP!

28 MINUTES AND 19 SECONDS LATER… 20 SECONDS… 21…

Fayt: WTF was that!

Cliff: Yeah, we totally just ran into that wall!

Maria: No, you guys did! Oh, my poor segway…

(Here I'll explain… ahem, well, the three were riding their segways down the street and realized that there was a wall ahead but they couldn't find the breaks so Fayt and Cliff crashed into the wall while Maria flipped off of her segway just in time and now she is sad because it dead…)

_KTAH: … ugh, Jack! Bring me a soda!_

_Jack: Huh, fine! (hands him a soda)_

_KTAH: Cool… (Glug glug glug) Ahhhh… that's damned good! All right, let's continue!_

_(pushes the button to switch back to the story)_

_Jack: So, when are you gonna write another Radiata story?_

_KTAH: Oh, gawd, just shaddup about tha—wait, what the?_

_Jack: What?_

_KTAH: The button didn't switch the story! Damn button!_

_(slams the button)_

Maria: Sniff… poor segway… it'll be ok…

Fayt: Psst, WTF is up with her?

Cliff: I dunno.

Fayt: Ok, well, now we're hoofin' it!

Random Civilian #5: Golf carts for sale! Come, one and all! An ancient artifact can be yours for just 10,000 Fol!

Fayt: That's it! Cliff, buy that golf cart!

Cliff: B-but this is the money that I won from our bet—

Fayt: Shut up! (swipes the money) I'll have one golf cart please!

Random Civilian #5: Here ya go, sonny! That'll be 10,000 Fol!

(hands over money)

Cliff: M-my money…

Fayt: Come on, guys! Let's ride!

(other two jump in and they ride at 4 miles per hour towards Peterny… however it breaks down about seven minutes later)

Cliff: WTF was that we just wasted all of my money for a slow seven minute ride!

Fayt: Oh, shut up ya pansy.

Maria: Poor segway…

Cliff: Arghoodoodawdawdahdoodawdehdawdoo! (goes into a temper tantrum)

Maria: … sniff…

Fayt: Argh, we're never gonna get there! Now, we're hoofin' it!

ONE MINUTE LATER…

Cliff: Well, we're here…

Fayt: … no fargin way…

Maria: Hey, that's not a word…

Fayt: … whatever… wait, you cheered up?

Maria: Oh, yeah, I fixed it!

(Maria shows her segway, all shiny and stuff, complete with spinning rims and a bell!)

Fayt: Wow, it's even better than before!

Cliff: Wow, I wish mine was as good!

Fayt: … it's still primitive technology though…

Maria: ROOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRR! (like a lion)

Fayt: OMFG what did I do!

Cliff: Oh, now she is really angry!

Maria: Super Noogie Crotch Attack! (I think that's a FLCL reference… I'm not too sure what it's actually called…)

Fayt: AGH!

Cliff: Ooh, that's gotta hurt!

OUCH… WELL, LET'S CHECK IN WITH OUR GOOD FRIENDS NEL AND CROSELL, SHANT WE?

Crosell: …

Nel: …Yo.

Crosell: Ugh, what now?

Nel: Um… I dunno, talk.

Crosell: About what?

Nel: Whatever, just talk dammit!

Crosell: Ugh, this is so annoying… so, um… what's your favorite NFL team?

Nel: Hm… I'd say the Bears.

Crosell: Ugh, I hate that team!

Nel: Well, how 'bout you, then?

Crosell: Me? Why, I like dem Broncos.

Nel: What? Are you kidding me?

Crosell: … ok, I don't like the Broncos.

Nel: Well, who then?

Crosell: … I don't wanna say.

Nel: Crosell…!

(Nel gives Crosell a noogie)

Crosell: N-no! Not the noogie! All right, all right!

Nel: Spill dem beans!

Crosell: … I like the Texans…

Nel: Heh, typical.

Crosell: What?

Nel: Listen, just because they won the Superbowl in 2057 doesn't make them a good team.

Crosell: But they're a good team!

Nel: Oh, shut up.

WOW… WELL, LET'S SEE WHAT SOPHIA THE MAID IS UP TO…

Sophia: …

Albel: … I have to go to the bathroom…

Sophia's Mind: Yes this is my chance to escape!

Sophia: Well, the bathroom is right across the—

Albel: I'm not going anywhere, worm.

Sophia: W-what?

Albel: I'll be listening and I better hear mopping and not footsteps.

(Albel walks to behind a bookshelf)

Sophia: …?

Albel: … ahhhhhhhhhh… worm.

Sophia: Oh, you're not…! Oh, that's so gross!

A COUPLE SECONDS LATER…

Albel: Worm!

Sophia: W-what?

Albel: Clean up behind the bookshelf.

Sophia: N-no way!

Albel: … you don't have a choice. Now go clean it up, worm.

Sophia: Do I at least get a mask?

Albel: GO!

Sophia: Ooh, I hate this so much!

HAHA… OH, WELL… LET'S GET BACK TO PETERNY, SHALL WE?

Maria: Hey, Marietta! Are you guys still alive?

Marietta: I-I think so…

Maria: Oh, shut up I saw you at the party.

Fayt: Geez, this place really is a mess…

Cliff: Not as messy as Albel's hair.

Fayt: Ahahaha—

Maria: Ah, shaddup!

(Maria slaps Fayt)

Fayt: Ow!

Cliff: So, are we able to fly?

Marietta: Ci, she fly. (makes an impression of flying with her hand)

Maria: Really!

Marietta: Of course not! First of all, we're stuck in the ground because of the landing! Not only that, but the main engine has been busted, not to mention the big ass hole in the ground, and then there's the bridge windshield, which is cracked…

55 MINUTES LATER…

Marietta (still): … and that's about all of the damages.

Maria: About all of the damages? The whole ship is pretty much trash now!

Marietta: Well, pretty much.

Fayt: What are they talking about?

Cliff: Ah, who knows?

(Fayt and Cliff played some shogi while they waited)

Maria: Well, how do we fix the ship?

Marietta: … I'm not too sure…

Maria: Oh, come on! You're supposed to be an expert on this stuff!

Marietta: I only graduated from elementary school!

Maria: … oh, come on.

Fayt: I WIN!

Maria: SHUT THE FILL UP!

(throws a salami at Fayt's head, knocking him out)

Cliff: Whoa…

HEY, WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO MIRAGE?

Papa Smurf: Oh, no! It's Gargamel!

Gargamel: Heheh, I've got you now, Smurfs!

Gargamel's Cat: RAWR!

Smurfette: Oh, no!

Papa Smurf: Wait, what's that in the sky?

Smurf with Glasses: It's a Smurf!

All Smurfs: SHUT UP YA DOUSCHEBAG!

Smurf with Glasses: Nobody likes me…

Mirage: ELIMINATINGENEMYNOW…

(Shoots a gigantic beam of light on Gargamel's head, which melts. The cat eats it)

Smurfs: YAY!

… WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS THAT? WELL, LET'S SEE WHAT OUR GOOD FRIENDS NEL AND CROSELL ARE DOING?

Nel: Hey, Crosell.

Crosell: You never leave me alone!

Nel: Shut the fly up. Can I test out a new special move on you?

Crosell: … what?

Nel: C'mon, ol' buddy!

Crosell: Ugh, fine, but nothing big.

Nel: Cool! Ok, here it goes.

Crosell: Ugh, why did I do this…

Nel: (takes a big deep breath) Kameha…

Crosell: Wait, that's…!

Nel: … meh…

Crosell: Wait, I change my mind—

Nel: … HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Crosell: NOOOOO!

(Nothing happens.)

Crosell: …?

Nel: Haha, gotcha.

Crosell: Why did you do that?

Nel: I'm bored.

Crosell: Then talk to somebody else!

Nel: Oh, shut up ya big baby. Here, have a Fruit Rollup.

Crosell: Seriously? Yes!

(chomps up the Fruit Rollup)

Nel: … pig.

AND LET'S CHECK WITH ADRAY AND CLAIR…

Both: …

Adray: … seriously, we have no scripts.

Clair: Yeah, wait until next chapter.

Both: … get out.

OK, IT'S HIGH TIME WE CHECK IN WITH ROGER AND PEPPITA… OH, I DIDN'T GIVE THEM ANYMORE SCRIPTS CUZ I HATE THEM… WELL, LET'S SEE WHAT ALBEL AND SOPHIA ARE UP TO…

Sophia: Yes!

Albel: …? Worm.

Sophia: I have finally completed all of the jobs that I have been assigned!

Albel: … so what?

Sophia: Now I can go to my dear Fayt and kiss him!

Albel: … nope, worm.

Sophia: W-what?

Albel: Now that you're done, you're going down to the dungeon… worm.

Sophia: B-but I'm too pretty for jail!

Albel: Come on, worm.

(drags Sophia down to the dungeon)

Sophia: NOOOOOO!

WOW… WELL, LET'S FINALLY GET BACK TO FAYT AND THE OTHERS…

Marietta: Let's see, to fix the ship…

Fayt: … we need 1 titanium sheet…

Maria: … 10 plates of bronze…

Cliff: … some copper wire…

Marietta: … an M&M…

Fayt: … a Skittle…

Maria: … taste the rainbow…

Cliff: … a moose…

Marietta: … a bottle of Pimp Juice…

Fayt: … wait, what?

Marietta: Oh, I read that wrong, a bottle of Apple Juice…

Fayt: … oh…

Maria: … a paperclip…

Cliff: … a goat…

Marietta: … wait, did you say goat and moose?

Fayt: … another bottle of Apple Juice…

Maria: … some guy named Albedo…

_KTAH: An Xenosaga reference._

Cliff: … a giraffe…

Marietta: … seriously, we don't need any animals…

Fayt: … a buster sword…

_KTAH: A Final Fantasy VII reference._

Maria: … a Maid's uniform…

Cliff: … a zebra…

Marietta: … ok, stop with the animals…

Fayt: … a dragon's toenail…

Maria: … ew… a copy of a Kill Bill DVD…

Cliff: …

Marietta's Mind: DON'T EVEN SAY ANOTHER ANIMAL!

Cliff: … a pencil…

Marietta: Whew… a glass of Cookie Crisp…

Fayt: … a copy of a game called Radiata Stories…

_Jack: Hey!_

_KTAH: Heheh…_

Maria: … a platypus…

Marietta: … now you're naming animals?

Cliff: … and finally, a thousand rubberbands.

Maria: Wow, that list was incredibly long.

Fayt: Tell me about it.

Marietta: Well, that's because of—

Maria: All of the damage, we know.

Fayt: Well, let's get to gatherin'!

Cliff: You are a nerd.

Fayt: Shut the fizz up!

Mirage: LEANBACK, LEANBACK…

Cliff: Oh, geez, she's back.

Mirage: DROPITLIKEITISHOT…

Maria: She seems more broken than usual…

Fayt: At least she isn't singing any Ying Yang songs anymore.

Marietta: There you are Mirage! Where have you been?

Mirage: REBOOTINGSYSTEM… What are my coordinates?

Marietta: You're on the Diplo.

Mirage: I see. Tell me, what is my objective?

Marietta: Help collect these things for Maria, Fayt, and Cliff.

Cliff: Yo.

Mirage: Let's see… 1 sheet of titanium…

50 MINUTES LATER…

Mirage: … and finally, a thousand rubberbands.

Fayt: Exactly!

Maria: There, do you got the list memorized, Mirage?

Mirage: Affirmative.

Maria: Good.

(Maria burns the list)

Fayt: WTF?

Cliff: OMFG!

Marietta: MY PAPER!

Maria: Now that'll destroy any evidence that we were here!

Fayt: Maria, it'll be hard for us to eliminate all evidence of us being here when a gigantic metal hunkajunk is sitting in the middle of the most passed through town on the planet!

Cliff: Yeah, and why would we destroy evidence of us being here in the first place?

Maria: Cuz of the UP3!

Cliff: Oh, shut up with all of that jibba jabba!

Maria: Besides, I have a way to camouflage our ship!

5 MINUTES LATER…

Maria: There!

(Maria has thrown her rubber ducky blanket over the ship, covering only the wing)

Maria: So?

Fayt: Wow, you're such a genius.

Cliff: Oh, yeah, they'll **never **find us.

Maria: Good, now let's go!

(Maria, Fayt, and Cliff ride their segways out of town to the north, followed by Mirage, who is skating with her heelies)

IN PALMIRA PLAINS…

Fayt: So, what are we going for first?

Maria: I'm not sure. Hey, Mirage! List item number one, please!

Mirage: SEARCHING… NODATAFOUND…

Maria: Wh-what?

Cliff: You've gotta be kiddin' me!

Fayt: She forgot! I knew it was a bad idea to burn that paper!

Maria: Luckily, I made a spare!

Fayt: Whoa, when did you make that?

Maria: Last night! It took me a painstaking hour to write all of it down!

Fayt: Wow!

Cliff: Good job, Maria!

Maria: I know, cuz' I'm bossy.

Fayt: Hey, now I wouldn't go that far…

Maria: SUPER SEGWAY SMASH!

(smacks Fayt in the head with her segway before jumping back onto it)

Fayt: Ow my eye! I almost lost my balance—I LOST MY BALANCE!

(Fayt falls and rolls 25 feet)

Cliff: Wow.

Mirage: NOWPLAYING… Wait a minute! Girl, why ya trippin' like dat?

Cliff: Oh, come on Mirage I hate that song!

Maria: SUPER SEGWAY SMASH!

(smacks Cliff in the face with her segway before jumping back onto it)

Cliff: Ow my nose! Ugh, good thing that I'm a Klausian! You see kids, Klausians always have perfect balance—OMFG I LOST MY BALANCE!

(Cliff falls and rolls 26 feet! A NEW RECORD!)

Maria: All right! I win!

Mirage: ACTUALLYIWIN.

Roger: W-wait! I don't even have a scrIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPTTTTTTT!

(Mirage smacks Roger away, rolling him a humongous 20,000 miles! A NEW--)

Maria: No, shut up! SUPER SPECIAL ULTIMATE SEGWAY BATTLE ROYALE!

(smacks Mirage with her segway before jumping back onto it. Mirage rolls an extremely huge distance: 100,000 kilometers! A NEW RECORD!)

Maria: Yeah, dat's right, foo'. Now, get up all of ya (except Roger)!

Fayt & Cliff: Yeah, hold on.

Mirage: AFFIRMATIVE.

Fayt: So, what do we need anyway?

Maria: Um… let's see, we need… a sheet of titanium.

Cliff: Is… there any of that on this planet?

Maria: Nope.

Fayt: Oh well this rock'll do.

Maria: Ok, now we need… 10 plates of bronze… none of that on this planet.

Cliff: I have 100 pennies.

Maria: There we go! Now we need… a copper wire.

Fayt: …

Cliff: …

Maria: …

Mirage: CUZIBESTUNTIN'LIKEMYDADDY.

All three (not Mirage): To Nel's then.

(The four ride to Nel and Crosell to get the copper wire from the Thunder Arrow)

IN THE MEANTIME, LET'S SEE WHAT NEL AND CROSELL ARE UP TO…

Nel: Yo.

Crosell: What?

Nel: I ain't no average bear, man.

Crosell: Are you high?

Nel: Food no!

Crosell: … are you Yogi?

Nel: WTF shut up.

Crosell: Ok…

Nel: Yo.

Crosell: …

Nel: Answer me dillweed!

Crosell: What?

Nel: Do a Bill Cosby impersonation.

Crosell: Oh come on I ain't doing that.

Nel: Please?

Crosell: No.

Parsec: Pleeeeeaaaaase? (does his creepy wooing dance)

_Jack: Hey, I remember that! That was creepy!_

_KTAH: A Radiata reference._

Crosell: WTF was that!

Nel: Hm?

Crosell: Nevermind. Anyway, I'm not doing that.

Nel: Doing what?

Crosell: …?

Nel: … are you high?

Crosell: I'm lost.

Fayt: NEL!

Nel: Oh, it's that kid.

Fayt: We need copperwire—AGH I CAN'T STOP THIS THING!

(Fayt drives into Crosell's face)

Crosell: Ow my fanning face!

Fayt: Sorry.

Nel: You need copperwire? Sorry, I gots nuttin'.

Maria: There's some in that hunkajunk over there! (points to the Thunder Arrow)

Nel: But we need that.

Cliff: So do we.

Fayt: Please?

Nel: Oh whatever it's not like it's mine anyway.

All three: Cool!

Cliff: Wait, where's Mirage now?

Maria: Hopefully she's not setting up another party.

Fayt: Yeah.

Maria: Ok, so now we need an M&M.

Crosell: I have one stuck in my beard.

Maria: Cool.

Nel: I'll get it.

(Nel rips the M&M out of Crosell's beard, causing an immense amount of pain)

Crosell: OW!

Nel: Here.

Cliff: Ew, it's all hairy.

HEY, WHY DON'T WE CHECK IN WITH ALBEL…

Albel: … ugh this is boring.

Runologist #1: Hey, what's wrong with you?

Albel: … I… need… Cosmo… MAGAZINE!

Runologist #1: Here ya go.

Albel: Awesome! It's the newest one!

WTF? WELL, LET'S SEE WHAT THE MAID IS UP TO…

Sophia: This is—

WELL, LET'S GET BACK TO THE GROUP, SHALL WE?

Fayt: Ok, we got a Skittle, a moose, a bottle of Apple Juice, and a paperclip out of Crosell's beard. Anything else in there that we need?

Maria: No, just a toilet.

Nel: So that's where that went!

Crosell: I got a lot of stuff in my hair.

Cliff: So, uh, what do we need now?

Maria: Hold on now. Let's take five.

Fayt: Cool wit' me.

Cliff: I'm gonna go climb a tree.

(Cliff runs to a tree and begins climbing it)

Nel: So, what do you need all of this stuff for?

Maria: Oh, we need this to fix our ship.

Nel: … y-your ship?

Maria: Yeah, we were flying over Peterny and something shot us down.

Nel: …

Crosell: …

Nel in Crosell's Ear: Yo, don't tell them that **we **were the ones that shot them down.

Crosell in Nel's Ear: Yeah, they'll probably flock us up.

Fayt: What are you guys whispering for?

Nel: Oh, nuttin'.

Crosell: Yeah, we were just talkin' about… Cliff!

Cliff: … what?

Fayt: Oh, ok.

Maria: Hey, Nel.

Nel: Y-yeah?

Maria: Why don't you actually wear an outfit?

Nel: This is an outfit.

Maria: No, that's some skimpy ninja thing going on.

Nel: This is formal Runologist wear.

Maria: That's formal?

Nel: Well, what do you think I should wear then?

Maria: …!

TEN MINUTES LATER…

(Nel is dressed up as Shion from Xenosaga III… yes yet another of my countless references)

Maria: Lookin' good!

Nel: … I feel weird like this.

Albel: Yo guys! Check out this maga—

(Albel looks at Nel, and he feels all tingly inside his stomach)

Albel's Mind: Wh-when did she become so… not wormy?

Albel: H-hey Nel…

Nel: Wait, did you just call me Nel?

Albel: AUGH I mean… h-hey maggots.

Fayt: Well, you seem happy today.

Albel: That's because I just read the newest issue of Cosmo magazine.

Fayt: Y-you read Cosmo?

Albel: But of course… the hairstyles are very intricate.

Cliff: What a doofus.

Albel: Want me to cut out your throat, maggot!

Fayt: Hey, c'mon, this isn't a time for fighting!

Albel: I'll decapitate you too!

Fayt: EEK!

Maria & Nel: All right, that's enough kids!

Fayt, Cliff, & Albel: Y-yes mams.

Crosell: You all are so freaky.

Nel: Want another noogie?

Maria: Make that a double noogie.

Crosell: N-no, I'm fine! Please, carry on!

Nel: That's a good boy. Here's a Scooby Snack.

(Nel throws a Scooby Snack in the air)

Crosell: YES!

(Crosell jumps in the air, but the chain around his neck prevents him from reaching it)

Nel: Stupid dragon.

Crosell: WAAAAAAH I WANT MY SCOOBY SNACK!

Nel: Oh, shuttup here it is.

Crosell: YES!

(Crosell chomps on the dog treat and smiles like the Grinch)

Nel: Ew you look like the Grinch.

(See what I mean?)

Maria: Ok enough dillydallying! Fayt, Cliff, Albel! Let's go get the rest of those materials!

Albel: W-wait, why do I have to go?

Maria: Cuz you're my slave.

Albel: Wh-what!

Maria: Remember that bet?

A FEW MONTHS AGO…

_Maria: Yo Albel._

_Albel: What, worm?_

_Maria: If you can't spell the word Caramel, then you're gonna be my slave._

_Albel: Hmph, whatever. If I win, you'll dress up as a worm._

_Maria: Deal._

_Albel: Ok… let's see…_

_(Albel begins to sweat)_

_Albel: K—_

_Maria: WRONG! I WIN!_

_Albel: WHAT! NOOOOO!_

_Maria: Now you're my slave. Oh, by the way, I dress up as a worm for fun._

_(Maria throws on a worm costume and wiggles away)_

_Albel: WOOOOOORM!_

BACK TO THE PRESENT…

Albel: Oh, no… worm.

Maria: Yup. Now, let's go, idiots!

Fayt: Yes mam!

Cliff: Right.

Albel: Hmph… worm.

Nel: See ya guys later.

Crosell: Hey, shouldn't we go help them. After all, I can fly.

Nel: No way, if they find out that we shot down their ship they'll sue us.

Crosell: Oh, ok…

(Maria drives her segway while Fayt drives Cliff's segway and Cliff rides on his pantlegs while Albel hops on a nearby broomstick and flies like a witch)

_KTAH: Hold on._

_Jack: Hm?_

_KTAH: Where the hell did Mirage go?_

_Jack: Wha? You didn't plan this?_

_KTAH: No I planned for her to blow up._

_Jack: Wow._

_KTAH: Geez! Yo, Auron!_

_Auron: What?_

_Jack: Whoa who are you!_

_KTAH: Go find Mirage!_

_Auron: Sorry, but this is my story and you're not—_

_KTAH: Then buh-bye!_

_(Auron drops down the alligator pit)_

_Jack: Hey that guy was cool!_

_KTAH: Yeah, but he was too uptight. Yo Wakka!_

_Wakka: Yeah, mon?_

_KTAH: Go find Mirage for me!_

_Wakka: A'right, I be back in a while!_

_(Wakka disappears into the story)_

_Jack: Who was that dork?_

_KTAH: That was Wakka._

_Jack: Oh._

_KTAH: …_

_Jack: …_

_KTAH: …_

_Jack: … so are you gonna—_

_KTAH: Don't even ask me if I'm going to write another Radiata story._

_Jack: Come on…_

_KTAH: Shut up. Now I'm gonna go play Disgaea, so don't bother me. And remember all readers, this is all a big joke (I like Auron, seriously!). I hope none of ya are offended. Well, this is KTAH signing off, and no flames! Review if ya read or I'll lose another finger…_

_Jack: Another!_


	3. Huntin' fer Junk

**Star Ocean III: The Aftermath **

**Chapter 3: Huntin' fer Junk **

_Dita: Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for Mr. KTAH's Super Hour Special! _

_Don Patch: With your host, KTAH! _

_KTAH: Thank you, thank you guys. _

_Jack: What the hell is going on? _

_KTAH: Shut up Jack. Now, let us see what story we shall cook up today! Sanji! _

_Sanji: Yeah, whatevah… _

_(Sanji pulls a lever and a slot machine thingy starts reeling) _

_First slot: STAR _

_Second slot: OCEAN _

_Third slot: III _

_Sanji: Ey, it's dis Star Ocean III… (takes a puff of his cig) _

_KTAH: Then it is settled! We will make a new chapter for my critically acclaimed story The Aftermath! _

_Jack: Who is that blonde-headed guy? And why is Dita and… uh… that giant orange skittle over there doing here? They're anime people! _

_KTAH: Well, I've decided to just combine the whole team into one grand alliance! Oh, and Sanji's from One Piece, he's new. _

_Sanji: Ey. _

_Jack: Okkkk… _

_KTAH: Now, Jack! Disclaimer! _

_Jack: Ok… KTAH doesn't own anyone from Star Ocean III! _

_KTAH: That's the spirit, Jack! Now… BEGIN! _

**_NOTE: THIS STORY, DESPITE MY HATE FOR DOING SO, MAY OFFEND PEOPLE. HOWEVER, IT'S JUST PLAIN HUMOR AND JOKES! SO PLEASE, TRY NOT TO BE, BECAUSE EVERYTIME SOMEONE IS OFFENDED, I LOSE AN HOUR OF MY LIFE (WOW THAT WAS PRETTY DEEP HAHA) NOW, LET US CONTINUE! _**

****

**PREVIOUSLY ON THE AFTERMATH… **

**(Fayt, Maria, Albel, and Cliff are hiding behind a rock spying on a large group of hyenas) **

**Fayt: HYENAS! I hate hyenas… so, what's the plan? **

**Maria: Live bait… **

**Fayt: Ahh yes, live bait—HEEEEY! **

**Maria: C'mon, Fayt… **

**Fayt: Whaddya want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula? **

**(moments later, Fayt in full hula gear and Cliff as a pot roast appear in the middle of the hyena group) **

**Fayt: Luau! If you're hungry for a hunk of fat and juicy meat, eat my buddy Fittir here because he is a treat! Come on down and dine on this tasty swine, all ya gotta do is get in liiiiine! Aaaare ya achin'? **

**Cliff: Yup, yup, yup! **

**Fayt: Foooor some juicy bacon? **

**Cliff: Yup, yup, yup! **

**Fayt: Heee's a really big pig! **

**Cliff: Yup, yup, yup! **

**Fayt: You can be a big pig too! OY! **

**Maria: What the hell was that! **

**Monkey: Asante sana! Squash banana! We we nugu! **

**Albel: Damn annoying monkey… worm… **

**YES, THAT WAS ALMOST ENTIRELY A SCENE FROM THE LION KING. AND NO, THIS DID NOT ACTUALLY HAPPEN. NOW, LET US RESUME OUR WATCH OVER OUR HEROES… AND SOPHIA AND ROGER… MEBBE EVEN ADRAY AND CLAIR… OH, AND DEFINITELY NEL AND CROSELL… **

(Fayt rides Cliff's segway while Maria rides her own segway and Cliff hovers on his pantlegs and Albel flies on his broomstick)

Fayt: So, Maria, what's the next thing we need?

Maria: I have no friggin' clue.

Fayt: Wh-what!

Maria: Just jokin'!

(pulls the list out of her boot)

Maria: Let's see… we just got a paperclip… so now we'll need to find… a goat!

Fayt: Wait, we seriously needed that?

Maria: Of course! That's what runs the ship!

Fayt: OOOOOOOK….

Cliff: Whee!

Maria: But where could we find a goat?

Fayt: Hm… Arias!

Maria: Let's go!

Albel: Lemme see that list, I don't even know what we're looking for!

Maria: No, now shut up!

(A few minutes later, in Arias)

Maria: HEY! DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHERE WE CAN FIND A GOAT!

(All of the townsfolk stare at her in shock and puzzlement)

Albel: Was that really necessary? Worm…

Maria: No.

Albel: Figures, maggot… worm…

Man #1: Sorry, babe, no goats here! We're vegetarians!

Maria: D-did he just call me babe?

Cliff: Oh, man…

Fayt: What now?

Cliff: It's another one of those things she hates… getting called the "B-word"…

Fayt: The "B-word"?

Cliff (whispering in Fayt's ear): Babe.

Fayt: Oh.

Man #1: What's wrong, babe—

Maria: GRAHHHHHHH!

(electricity circles Maria)

Cliff: Oh, shindig! Fayt, jerk (Albel), hide over here!

(All three men hide behind a broken fragment of a house)

Maria: BIG BANG ATTACK!

_KTAH: A DBZ reference…_

Man #1: OMFG I'm a gonna die!

(Man #1 explodes like a firework)

Maria: That's better! (gets cheery again, with butterflies flying around her peacefully) Peace and serenity…

_KTAH: Wow, another reference already… by the way that was from the English dub of Bobobo… _

Maria: Boys, where'd ya go?

Cliff: We're over here eatin' cookies!

Fayt: Hey, I wanted that Oreo!

Albel: Have a worm, worm…

Fayt: Ew!

Cliff: Go ahead, I dare ya!

Fayt: No way!

Maria: Gimme it!

(swipes worm away)

Albel: With salt.

Maria: Certainly. (puts salt on the worm)

Fayt: Ew, she's really gonna eat it!

Maria: CHOMP! (eats the salty worm)

All Men: EWWWWWWW!

Maria: Ah, shaddup!

(slaps all three with one foul paper fan)

Maria: C'mon, quit wastin' time! We gotta get offa this hunkarock soon or we're gonna miss that Ten Inch Nails concert!

Fayt: Oh, yeah!

Cliff: Nice!

Albel: Wait… I wanna go… worm…

Cliff: Sorry, asshead, no ticket, no TIN!

Albel: WOOOOORM!

Maria: Godammit, stop doing that!

Albel: Sorry, worm…

Maria: Ok, seriously guys, get offa your asses and let's go!

Fayt: Right!

Cliff: Yeah, sure…

Albel: Yes, worm…

Maria: Ok! Now, we need to find…

Fayt: Ooh, ooh! I know! We need a goat—

Maria: We already got one right here!

(points to a goat)

Goat: BAAAAH.

Fayt: WTF when did we get that?

Maria: When you were eatin' cookies.

Fayt: Ohhhhhh….

Maria: Now! Let's go!

(Maria and Fayt hop on their segways while Cliff lifts off on his pantlegs as Albel grabs his broomstick)

MEANWHILE, IN THE DUNGEON…

Prisoner #1: Hey, girlie!

Sophia: Ew! Go away!

Prisoner #1: Gotta smoke?

Sophia: Ugh! Of course not! I do not smoke! It would ruin my beautiful face!

Prisoner #1: B-beautiful face?

Sophia: Ugh, yeah.

Prisoner #1: Good joke.

Sophia: Wh-what!

Prisoner #1: You sooooo ugly, I'd rather kiss that guy over there.

Prisoner #2 (wiggles his fingers towards #1 and grins): Hey big boy.

Sophia: EWWWWW!

Prisoner #1: God you're annoying.

Sophia: Fine then! Don't talk to me.

Prisoner #2: So, big boy, how's 'bout a kiss for yours truly?

(purses lips)

Prisoner #1: I was joking, Bubba, don't get your hopes up.

HEY, I THINK ADRAY AND CLAIR FINALLY HAVE SCRIPTS! LET'S SEE WHAT THEY'RE UP TO…

Adray (in bad singing voice): Under de sEa!

Clair (in beautiful singing voice): Under the seeeeeeaaaaaa!

Adray: Dahling it's bettah!

Clair: Down where it's wettaaaah!

Adray: Take it from mEeEeEeEeEeEeEe!

WOW, WHAT A TRAINWRECK ADRAY TURNED OUT TO BE… WE'LL, LET'S SEE WHAT OUR FRIENDS NEL AND CROSELL ARE UP TO…

Crosell: So, when can I go back to my mountain?

Nel: Never, bitch, you my slave.

Crosell: Wh-what? We never agreed to that!

Nel: Oh, we didn't, did we?

(flashback)

_Nel: I'm bored. _

_Crosell: Me too. _

_Nel: Hey, wanna play flip a coin? _

_Crosell: Not really. _

_Nel: C'mon, ya old fart! Here's a deal: if I win, you're my slave for life… _

_Crosell: NO WAY! _

_Nel: … and if you win then… I'll give ya a strip tease? _

_Crosell: Why would I, a dragon, wanna see a human girl's body? _

_Nel: It's a sight to see… _

_Naruto: BELIEVE IT! _

_Crosell: Ahh… eragergegager… fine, let's play. _

_Nel: Cool! Ok, here it goes! _

_(Nel flips the coin, and it flies in the air dramatically, and slowly but surely lands on…) _

_Nel: ... _

_Crosell: … _

_Nel: It's heads! _

_Crosell: … wait, who won? _

_Nel: Oh, that's right! We didn't even pick heads or tails! My bad! TAILS! _

_Crosell: TA—oh, come on, that's the best side… _

_Nel: Shut up and pick heads. _

_Crosell: Ok, heads… _

_Nel: Ok, now let's try this again! HERE IT GOES! _

_(Coin flips in the air even more dramatically than last time, and it slams on the ground, landing on…) _

_Nel: TAILS! I WIN! _

_Crosell: AH! No fair! I wanna rematch! _

_Nel: No way, Crosell! You're my slave now! _

_Crosell: NOOOOOOOOO! _

_Albel: Worm… _

(end of flashback)

Nel: See? The flashback explains it all.

Crosell: Godammit, why did I play with my life to see a girl nekkid!

Nel: Shaddup and give me a manicure.

Crosell: Yes, boss.

HAHA… WHAT WAS NARUTO AND ALBEL DOING IN THEIR FLASHBACK? ANYWAY, BACK WITH FAYT, MARIA, CLIFF, AND ALBEL…

Albel: So, what was the next item we needed agai—OOF! WoOoOoOorm…

(Albel slams into a tree and gets knocked out before falling to the ground)

Fayt: Oh, great!

Cliff: I-is he dead?

Maria: No, he's still breathing. Geez, he has to learn to watch where he's going!

Albel: Worm…

Fayt: ACK!

Cliff: WHOA!

Maria: Well, that was fast.

Albel: Uhhhhhhmmmm… cough, cough, I did that on purpose… worm…

Maria: Stop lying, we all know you're a crappy driver…

Cliff: He doesn't even drive! He flies **on a friggin' broomstick**!

Fayt: True dat.

Maria: So, what were you saying again, Albel?

Albel: Oh, uhhhh… what's the next thing we're looking for? Worm…

Maria: Oh yeah! I didn't even say myself… we need… another bottle of apple juice?

Cliff: Mmm! This apple juice is good!

Maria: Gimme!

(snatches apple juice away)

Cliff: Juice! Juice!

Maria: Now we need… some guy named Albedo? Oh, wait, he's in the Aquios Dungeon, I think…

IN THE DUNGEON…

Albedo: MY EXISTENCE IS INFINIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE!

Sophia: Shut up! People are trying to sleep!

Bubba: I wouldn't mind sleeping with hi—

BACK WITH THE GROUP…

Maria: A giraffe…

Mario: HERE WE GOOOOOOO!

(Mario is riding a giraffe, so Maria shoots him off and takes the giraffe and sticks it in her boot)

Maria: A buster sword… damn, where are we gonna find one of those?

Cliff: Hmm…

Fayt: Hmm… wait! The internet!

Maria: Right! Let's see, let's go to gBay!

(searches for buster sword and finds it)

Maria: Ok! Let's bid!

(Highest Bid - $10.00)

Maria: Let's offer… $10.01!

(Bid - $10.01… let's check to see who the other bidder is)

Cloud: Dammit! Why did Tifa auction my sword?

(Cloud sees bid rise by a cent)

Cloud: What? Someone is trying to outbid me? Oh, I'll show 'em…

(Cloud's Bid - $20.00)

Maria: That bastard!

Fayt: Go to $100.00!

(Maria's bid - $100.00)

Cloud: Dammit! I need my sword!

(Cloud's bid - $120.00)

Maria: Damn! He's still not giving up?

(Maria's bid - $100,000.99)

Cloud: DAMN! They're going all out!

Maria: YES! YESSSSS!

(Suddenly, bid rises to $1,000,000.10)

Maria & Cloud: WTF! WHO PLACED THAT BID?

Sephiroth: Hehehe… I like this sword… it seems oddly familiar though…

Maria: Great, we just lost our chance to get that sword…

Sephiroth: Heheheh…

Albel: Hey, who's that over behind that rock? Worm…

Sephiroth: It is I, Sephiroth, the One-Winged Angel!

(Sephiroth holds buster sword)

Maria: Uh! There's that sword we need! So that means you're the guy who outbid us!

Sephiroth: Yes… and I will use this same sword to defeat you…

Cliff: Heh, this girly man wantsta fight us?

Fayt: Well if it's a battle he wants…

Maria: It's a battle he's gonna get!

(All three charge at Sephiroth, but are knocked away by his wing flap)

Maria: Wh-what?

Sephiroth: Fools. You cannot harm me.

Albel: Heh, so we're gonna fight this maggot? All right, show me what you got, worm!

(Albel charges at Sephiroth himself, and he slashes his face)

Sephiroth: Oh, my beautiful face! My FAAAAACE!

Maria: WTF?

Fayt: WTF?

Cliff: WTF?

Albel: WTF? Worm…

Sephiroth: Oh, you guys are mean!

Maria: All right, enough of this.

(Shoots Sephiroth in the face and he disappears, dropping the buster sword)

Maria: Ok, next item…

Fayt: What the hell was that all about?

Maria: Let's see… now we need… a maid's uniform?

Fayt: A wha?

Cliff: Does the Diplo really need that?

Maria: Yeah, according to Marietta, the uniform is the main fuel… weird. But where could we find a maid's uniform? Hm…

Fayt: Hm…

Cliff: Got no friggin' clue.

Albel: Hm… wait! Worm…

Fayt: What?

Albel: I know where to get the uniform! Worm…

Cliff: Really, ya big jerk? Where?

Albel: That one maggot was wearing one when we forced her to clean the castle! Worm…

Maria: Gee, that helps! Which maggot?

Albel: Whaddya mean, worm…?

Maria: You call everyone maggot or worm, so how do we know who you're talkin' about!

Albel: Uh… that one maggot everyone hates… worm…

All three: … still doesn't help.

Albel: DAMMIT DO I REALLY HAVE TO SAY HER NAME! Worm…

Cliff: Do we hafta punch it outta ya, ya jerk?

Albel: So-sop-Sophia or something… worm…

All three: SOPHIA!

(Everyone hops on their rides and Cliff launches on his pantlegs and they head for Aquios again)

MEANWHILE, BACK WITH SOPHIA AND THE PRISONERS…

Prisoner #1: Damn, I'm bored as hell.

Sophia: I don't care.

Prisoner #1: Hey, Bubba, #3! Wanna get outta here for a while?

Prisoner #3: Sure, what the hell?

Bubba: Ooh, sure, baby-boo!

Albedo: Hey, what about me?

Prisoner #1: Nah, we don't like you.

Albedo: Oh, ok… ahahahahah… AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Sophia: Wait! I wanna get out too!

Prisoner #1: What? We don't like you either.

Sophia: PLEEEEEASE?

Prisoner #3: Ahh, just let her out so she'll escape so we don't have to deal with her sh-t no more…

Prisoner #1: Ok, let's go guys.

(#1 opens a door in the wall and they all walk out, except for Albedo and the other prisoners)

A FEW MINUTES LATER…

Maria: Whaddya mean she's not here?

Runologist #1: Sorry, ma'am, she just disappeared a long time ago!

Fayt: Dammit! Does anybody know where she went?

Runologist #1: Uh, no dumbass, otherwise we would've brought her back!

Cliff: Heheh.

Fayt: Shut up.

Albel: Let's go get the red-headed worm and the big yellow worm, they should be able to find her. Worm…

Maria: Right! She's good at that kinda stuff.

ANOTHER FEW MINUTES LATER…

Nel: WHAT DO WE LOOK LIKE, FRIGGIN' MYSTERY INC.?

Crosell: I AM SO OFFENED RIGHT NOW!

_KTAH: There's a possibility that a lot of people are offended by now, and I apologize again if you are._

Fayt: No, of course not! It's just that, well… you're sorta like a ninja, and Crosell's a little like a dog…

Nel: Well, if you put it that way…

Crosell: Wait! He just called me a dog!

Nel: Shut up! We're gonna help them find that girl!

Cliff: A'right!

Maria: Thanks a lot, guys.

Nel: No problem! Right Crosell?

Crosell: Whatevah.

Fayt: Ok! Then let's go find Sophia!

(Everyone hops on Crosell's back)

Crosell: Ow, my poor back…

Nel: Shut up and fly!

Crosell: Right, right, I'm goin'! I'm goin'!

(Crosell flies into the sky and the search for Sophia and the maid's uniform begins)

HEY, WE HAVEN'T SEEN WHAT ADRAY AND CLAIR HAVE BEEN DOING FOR A WHILE… WELL, LET'S SEE WHAT IT DO OVER THERE…

Adray: Prince Aliiiiiiii!

Clair: Mighty is heeeeee!

Adray: Ali A—wait WTF are we singin' Disney songs for?

Clair: I dunno, but I'm having fun! Tee-hee!

Adray: I'm gonna go train…

Peppita: HIIIIIII!

Adray: HOLY FRIGGIN' SHIZZLE!

Roger: Peppy, wait up!

Clair: Oh great, what do the midgets want?

Roger: We wanna sing Disney songs too!

Clair: No!

Peppy: WHYYYYY!

Clair: Cuz you guys suck at singing! Now leave!

Roger: But I—

Clair: LEAVE!

Roger: Y-yes ma'am!

Clair: Where was I? Oh, right… look for the bare necessitiiiiiies!

SERIOUSLY, WHY HAS THIS WHOLE CHAPTER BEEN RIDDLED WITH DISNEY REFERENCES? WHO KNOWS. NOW, LET'S SEE WHAT THE PRISONERS ARE UP TO…

Prisoner #1: So, guys, what should we do?

Bubba: I know what I wanna do…

Prisoner #3: God, Bubba, is that all you ever think about?

Bubba: What? I wanted to play hide and seek!

Sophia: Wow, you guys sure are weird. But, now I must leave you all! I must find my dearest Fayt and deliver upon him a lovely kiss from my perfect lips! Ohhhhh, Faaaaaaayyyy—

(Sophia is crushed under Crosell)

Fayt: Hey! Have you guys seen a girl that's been wandering around in a maid's uniform?

(The three prisoners point towards the ground underneath Crosell's foot)

Sophia (muffled): Get offa me!

Cliff: Hey! I hear her irritating voice! It is her!

(The group jumps down from Crosell's back, and the large dragon rolls over in exhaustion)

Crosell: Damn… I'm too old for this…

Maria: There you are, you little brat! Give us that uniform!

Sophia: Wh-what kind of question is that?

Maria: No questions! Gimme!

Sophia: Do you got another thing of clothes for me?

Maria: Does it look like we do?

Sophia: Then no!

Nel: That's it!

Maria: Let's jump her!

Sophia: Bring it on, bitches!

(The three women get into a cat fight, and Fayt, Cliff, Albel, Crosell, Prisoner #1, and Prisoner #3 stare in awe while Bubba stares at Prisoner #1's bum. The three girls roll into the bushes, and then silence takes over)

Fayt: …

Albel: … worm…

#1: …

#3: …

Bubba: Ooh!

Crosell: … my back…

Cliff: … are they dead?

Fayt: Cliff, you're a retard…

(Maria and Nel emerge from the bushes with the maid's uniform)

Maria: Ok! Now we can move on to the next item!

Fayt: Cool!

Cliff: Hey, lemme see if Sophia's dead or not…

Maria: Are you tryin' to be a perv?

Cliff: Mebbe…

(Nel slams Cliff in the back of the head with a hammer)

Maria: Thanks, Nel.

Nel: No problem. Ok, ya big load (Crosell), time to go back.

Crosell: What, is it over already?

Nel: Of course.

Crosell: Man…

Nel: You tryin' to be a perv too?

Crosell: N-no…

Nel: Ok, then. Let's get outta here.

Maria: See ya later Nel!

Nel: See ya, girl.

(Nel and Crosell fly away)

Fayt: Ok, so now that we got the uniform, what item do we need now?

Maria: We need… a zebra.

Cliff: Who put all of those animals on that list? I don't remember the ship needin' that much animals…

Fayt: You were the dumbass that put all of them on there in the first place!

Cliff: Oh, right! Well, that's because I had a hunch…

Fayt: A hunch? About what?

Cliff: …

Fayt: …

Cliff: I dunno.

Fayt: Seriously, are all Klausians like this?

Maria: No, just Cliff. Well, Albel just caught a zebra.

Albel: I shall call it…

Maria: Watch he's gonna call it worm…

Albel: Onion! Worm…

Maria: OMG he named it Onion.

Albel: What's the next item we need, worm?

Maria: Now we need… Godammit…

Fayt: What?

Maria: We need a dragon's toenail…

Fayt: WHAT? BUT CROSELL JUST FLEW AWAY!

Nel: Oh, man! Crosell, you stupid dragon! You forgot to remind me to arrest the escapees!

Crosell: Uh… sorry.

Cliff: Hey, there they are now!

Maria: Crosell!

Crosell: Y-yeah?

Maria: We need one of your toenails!

Crosell: Um… do you got a nail clipper?

Maria: No.

Crosell: Sorry, but until you got a clipper, I can't—OMFG MY FOOT!

(Fayt chops one of Crosell's toenails off with his sword)

Fayt: Got it!

Maria: Good job!

Crosell (rolling in pain): OMG that **sucked**!

Nel (carrying all of the prisoners, including Sophia): All right, Crosell, time to go.

Crosell: Oh, great… my back's gonna ache again…

Nel: Shut up and fly.

Maria: See ya again.

(Nel and Crosell fly away with the prisoners)

Maria: Now, we need a copy of Kill Bill.

Fayt: That movies so old though!

Maria: There should be one in the Diplo. Marietta loves that movie.

Fayt: Oh, ok.

Maria: We need a pencil… which is in my pocket… a glass of Cookie Crisp… in the Diplo kitchen… a game called Radiata Stories…

Cliff: Where are we gonna get that?

Maria: … wait, I'll be right back.

(Maria teleports away)

_Maria: Hey. _

_KTAH: WTF get back in the story! _

_Maria: Listen, I need to borrow a copy of Radiata Stories. _

_KTAH: Oh, ok. _

_(Hands Maria Radiata Stories) _

_KTAH: Be careful with it! _

_Maria: I will! See ya! _

_(Maria teleports away again) _

Maria: I'm back.

Fayt: Where the hell did you go?

Maria: To the bathroom.

Fayt: Ohhhhhh.

Maria: Now we gotta find… a platypus… Marietta has one for a pet… and the last thing we need is…

Cliff: ONE…

Fayt: THOUSAND…

Maria: RUBBERBANDS…

Albel: WOOOOOOORM…

Maria (kicks Albel in the face): Stop doing that!

Fayt: Where the fun are we gonna find 1,000 rubber bands?

Albel: I know… worm…

Maria: Really? Where?

Albel: There was a legend in Airyglyph that said that there was a creature made entirely of rubberbands… and he lives underneath Aquious Castle… worm…

Maria: Well what are we waitin' for? Let's go get those rubberbands—

Albel: We must not go… worm… he is too powerful… worm…

Cliff: Not for me!

Fayt: Yeah! We can beat him!

Maria: After all, we beat that one dude in 4D space!

Albel: … I suppose you all are right… worms…

Maria: Then it's settled! Let's go, guys!

(The group hops on their rides and ride off into the sunset)

_KTAH: I think that was shorter than the others. _

_Jack: So what? Know you can write a Radiata story! _

_Dita: Or a story about me! _

_Sanji: Ey, why not me and Nami? NAAAMI! _

_Don Patch: Or me! _

_KTAH: Oh, geez… it's good to be back, I guess…_


End file.
